i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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