Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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