its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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