you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize