My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
