i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The beer is more important than you right now.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
