If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
