this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
