Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Did I show you my penis last night?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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