i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
