Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
