nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
