yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
lol hangovers are for mortals.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
