mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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