i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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