i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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