Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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