Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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