Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
