I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
