I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
