"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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