Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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