i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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