Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
