He asked to "fluff my boner.."
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
