So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
