It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
