I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
