If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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