I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
