just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
