does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
