What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I just googled if crying burns calories
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
