I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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