I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
