the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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