I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize