just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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