That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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