I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
