On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
