It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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