Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
