I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
we're so committed to being not committed
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