I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
