it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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