Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
