I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
