I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
