just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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