you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
