Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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