he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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