There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
