When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
