I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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