my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
