textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You took a bar mat shot.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
