Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
