Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
