I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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