I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
