Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
